Freak Out Moments











{December 28, 2013}   2013 What’s happened to me?

Wow what a year! And I really do thank my family and friends for it all.

1. Partner.

He’s suffered my obsessive cosplay outings, holiday and trips all over the place. We’ve both been very busy this year, he even ventured out to a convention with me despite hating them. He’s a rock when I am depressed, and I in turn hope I do that for him when he is low or wants comfort. We’ve been together for over a decade now, seems pretty impressive to me.

2. I changed jobs.

I went from a full time position dealing with complaints for the energy industry and it was a bit of a harrowing time. The place I was in took up a lot of my energy and I found it hard to deal with by the end, more so when I realised how many people I would leave behind. I have now got a new job, it’s part time and the money adjustments will really set in during 2014.

3. Venice.

This was amazing. I went with what I consider to be one of my best set of friends here in Nottingham. It’s a shame more friends couldn’t be mustered up but it’s really a place you can fall in love with. I am desperately hoping to return there, as much as I would like to go back to the USA and even Germany too. It was so hot and I even got a tan!

4. Other outings?

I was lucky to get to see the Mansion for Zed Events, I met a lot of amazing people there from both Zed Events and REUK (Resident Evil UK). It was so much fun! It was a great road trip with my friends and it was another great way of proving I can get past the years of sitting home, in semi-forced reclusion.

Sheffield and Birmingham Cemetery trips – again I went with friends or met friends there. I love to look around and see the beautiful gravestones, the plants and environment; I don’t mind if people consider it morbid. It makes me happy and I feel at peace in them.

I also took a couple of other trips, one to Haverhill to see friends I don’t get to see enough and also a random trip out to go and buy a Gears of War Lancer off a friend there. I fell lucky enough to catch up with another friend in Scarborough and so both trips were a great deal of fun.

5. Cosplay.

WOW where do I begin? How about the list of the ones I ventu

I have really enjoyed making so many friends, and I have absolutely learnt a lot about costumes. I have seen the good and bad side of the hobby. I love the costumes, the friends and I love looking around. I hate the blatant elitism and the downright rude way people can be, not everyone there wants to be an air-brushed model on a page, and I am definitely happy with just staying in the circles I do. If you want to say hi or get a picture do so, but I don’t approach photographers because I don’t need them to make me feel good. Especially when this year I lost seven stone, made friends by the bucket-loads and didn’t even need an agent to do it! (Yeah that was a cheap dig at the “I want to make friends, book my pictures” type of people). red too? So MCM Telford, both Birmingham events, both London events, LFCC in the summer, Insomnia47 (thanks to the awesome Tigerlily Cosplay and her competition), J-Con and Nerdfest. What a year?

6. Gaming.

Oh lords well – it’s really been the year for Gears of War and Resident Evil, mixed with a bit of Devil May Cry (original 4). I did also get my mitts on Metal Gear Rising. It’s been a great year for social gaming, I’ve spent plenty of hours on my Xbox and PC, and I also got a fair amount of time on the MMO I have played for quite a few years (yes the dreaded WOW player is here).

Gaming has been a good outlet for me, when I am not able to write, draw or muster up the energy to fight low points of depression it’s a way to escape the troubles. When I am in a good mood it’s a great way to clock up some kill counts too!

So how has your year been? I hope it’s been good and that come 2014 it will only get better.

Special thanks to Jon Fisher Photography for my Dante picture.

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1398370_654559424574369_1827787673_o (2)My Gears Collection

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{August 4, 2013}   Mental Health And Me

Hey it’s me again!

So what am I here for? Oh an update of a few things. I don’t know if anyone will much read this but I figured it’s a way to note it down and if stumbled upon all the better. I have suffered from anxiety/bi-polar depression since I was a teen. It started with the loss of my hair in small chunks, I had never heard of Alopecia before and the doctors pretty much said that the lot was going to fall out. Now it’s not the end of the world I get that but at 15/16 it pretty much feels that way. I already had a very low opinion of myself thanks to the bullies at school, they seemed to think that it was more important for me to fit in with their thin crowd and make my hair-style like they had than for me to get an education.

When I lost my hair I was in the transition that took me into college, I had no concept of the effects of depression past the experience I had with a cousin of mine who suffered it so badly he was institutionalised. A lot of people think that the closure of the old institutes was this fantastic thing for everyone, that people ‘trapped’ in the system were suddenly let out of this horrific mental asylums and everything was rosy. It wasn’t… my childhood experience of this was to see a man that had full care put in the hands of the state. He was lonely, depressed and he invariably felt such a burden on his own family he committed suicide. I have never truly forgiven the people that did this, and I am sure this story is not mine alone.

I am fascinated by the history of mental asylums, from the grizzly reality of the killer ice-pick lobotomy to the new age drugs. From the people shoved into workhouses, stored in rich family members attics to the average joe that used it as an artistic outlet. I want to understand my disorder because to me it forms an incredibly large part of my life. I am NOT the disorder of depression, but I carry it with me. Lately it seems that more awareness is being brought out about this, I am grateful for those attempts, I think the stigma of being “mental” is not always as funny as I might joke about it to be.

It hurts when people make fly comments like “oh off our meds are we?” Or “maybe those drugs aren’t working”… Drugs are not the only answer to combatting a disorder. They can aid it, they can give you the confidence to feel ready to tackle it but when it all comes down to the base reality two things can help me. Family and Friends, and you as your own person. I’ve been up and down with suicidal thoughts since I was a child and it’s horrid. You hide the reality from people because you don’t want them to worry, or you think they will run for the hills. I guess the harder part is that you fear rejection so greatly you find a way to lie about who you are, and invariably eventually it eats you from inside to out. I am not always “okay” I am quite often anything but, however it’s often easier to say you are.

“Cheer up it’s not that bad.” Is possibly the most annoying, ridiculous thing you can say to me. I KNOW it’s not that bad, trust me. I know there’s a third world out there, I know cancer sufferers, terminal patients and people in far shittier places are out there but my brain has decided it is that bad. I can’t just flip a magical switch and be happy, I don’t want drugs that make me into a dribbling mess or give me a fake smile. I want my emotions to be mine, I want to feel and love, smile and cry. However, the utter flipside to this is the stab in the heart, when you are having a bad time or utterly manic you can’t even claim you are your own person, like a whirlwind you’re brain decides to sweep you around on an adventure and you’re not always a willing participant. I never paid for the ticket that made me a complete cow and I never paid entry to the one that makes me think driving a car into a building is a good idea, another person/entity brought it for me and surprised me with it.

As I write this I am once again reminded of how lucky I was to have had the mom I did, even now I am getting that choking feeling because I miss her so much. My mom was a rock, a legend, a support in everything I did. Loosing my mom was the scariest thing that happened in my life. I didn’t see her everyday when I moved away from home, I rang as often as I could and we talked so much. I lost not just a mom but a best friend. It’s been over four years now, and I still feel like the world was robbed somehow. I love my mom, I wish I could tell her it today still. I guess I can but you know what I mean I am sure. My mom was amazingly understanding and patient, it must be awful as a parent to have a child that goes through that and feel helpless. I would like to say to parents that are feeling that, you are not helpless, just listening and letting your child know that you are there is more support than so many might imagine. Closing doors on people is what makes it harder, so if you’re worried that just saying I love you and you know where I am isn’t enough, it’s probably doing more than you could imagine.

Wow lengthy post I know. However I hope that if even one person stumbled across this and felt less like they were alone with what they go through I think it’s a worthy blog.

And thank you for taking the time to read this.

Gearsgirl.

 

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