Freak Out Moments











{June 18, 2014}   MCM, YCC6 and other things…

So.. it’s been a while and that’s mostly been to fighting a bout of depression that I really didn’t fancy boring folks with. Depression is to me a personal thing, when it comes to causes, but the upshot is when you come out of it the other side fighting it’s a good thing to apologise if you mucked up. Sincerely, I can admit I make mistakes and I think people should be able to do that. It’s not weak at all in my book to say, hey I f*cked up I am so sorry.

So after that I was in talks with my doctor and he suggested instead of giving up and moping around I should go to MCM London, get my costumes out and generally stop putting myself into the gloom and self-doubt.

On the Friday me and my friend Kyle headed off with the car loaded up, the traffic was surprisingly easy going and we hit London before the event opened. Checking into the hotel we were surprised by how nice the Travelodge was, (I haven’t used them before) and then proceeded to unpack and get our costumes on. I took Ezio from Assassins Creed 2 for my first day, I got to wander around and look at the stalls. The ticket system was fairly fluid on the first day and we had a nice time. A few drinks the night before, something to eat and a late-ish night we were all happy to get ready for the big day on Saturday.

Saturday I chose my crossplay of Chris Redfield, lost in Nightmares from Resident Evil. I love meeting up with REUK and I always feel so happy to see everyone. Leon Chiro and Philipe Lauby were there looking awesome, along with Neil Gorton of Capcom who took some pics and videos. It was a lovely day, packed however and I am told that the ticketing system in the morning was pretty much a hellish run, when I went in a bit later it seemed that they had ironed that out significantly to be fair. It rained terribly, and heavily, and a lot of folk outside got a nasty drenching, me included. It sparked a mass rush for the cover but the security at the exit spotted the problem and opened the doors to prevent further troubles.

Saturday night we went for a nice Chinese meal, had a few glasses of wine and then went into the Fox. I walked home after a few drinks and wandered back with another friend in a nearby hotel. We had a nice chat and then it was great for me to relax and settle down before my friend got back. It was a great night and it really did serve the purpose of relaxing my already anxious self. Well served friends, cosplayers and bar staff!

Sunday – Well I decided that after loosing over 9 stone in the last couple of years, of paying the awesome CosplayUK to make the base of my dream dress I would get my guts sucked in a bit and cosplay Anya Stroud’s CIC outfit from the first and second Gears of War.

I was so lucky! Me and my friend, who borrowed the Stranded coat and a lancer, were picked by MCM to be in a video! And then we got some wonderful pics by the gent below. I was so very proud of the dress and all the bits I added to it. I felt like the dieting, the work and the effort to get out all paid off in that regards. I have achieved one of my Dream cosplays and it’s all down to support and friends who help me out.

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Work in Pixls Facebook 

YCC6 – Yorkshire Comicon.

So after the big weekend at London, we had a break and went to YCC6 in Doncaster, at The Dome. It’s my first time making a costume utterly without purchase off commissioners and friends so I was nervous I admit.

I picked a Death Knight from World of Warcraft, and I went for their starting kit. I know there’s plenty more I can do with it but I made a point of buying scrap materials from work and then from trying to reuse things as much as possible. The whole thing cost me about £10 in total and about a month on and off of sewing.

Suffice to say I felt quiet nervous about this one but the new medication has kicked in, my panic attacks are down and I am generally thinking that it’s perfectly okay to try these things because hey, everyone has to learn somewhere!

I met new friends, saw older ones, I loved the venue but it was a bit warm being next to a swimming pool! The day went really fast in fact, but we did have a giggle surprising local Asda (Walmart) people by wandering around, the Ghostbusters even got picture’d by staff. Overall when we left, a little tired and possibly bedraggled it was in a high spirit.

Our next outing is to LFCC (London Film and Comicon) and I am taking Anya again. I simply love the costume and am hoping that CosplayUK will see me, my costume and the bloody big grin all wrapped up in one. I know Stan Lee will be there but I didn’t get a ticket and photoshoot organised in time, so my loss but I hope if you did you get to have an amazing time.

So what are your next plans? And if you ever spot me around a convention here in England PLEASE stop me, say hi and if you are in costume and I have my camera tell me to get a pic for you because I am probably so happy to meet you I might forget that part.

Frag out!

Rea

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{August 4, 2013}   Mental Health And Me

Hey it’s me again!

So what am I here for? Oh an update of a few things. I don’t know if anyone will much read this but I figured it’s a way to note it down and if stumbled upon all the better. I have suffered from anxiety/bi-polar depression since I was a teen. It started with the loss of my hair in small chunks, I had never heard of Alopecia before and the doctors pretty much said that the lot was going to fall out. Now it’s not the end of the world I get that but at 15/16 it pretty much feels that way. I already had a very low opinion of myself thanks to the bullies at school, they seemed to think that it was more important for me to fit in with their thin crowd and make my hair-style like they had than for me to get an education.

When I lost my hair I was in the transition that took me into college, I had no concept of the effects of depression past the experience I had with a cousin of mine who suffered it so badly he was institutionalised. A lot of people think that the closure of the old institutes was this fantastic thing for everyone, that people ‘trapped’ in the system were suddenly let out of this horrific mental asylums and everything was rosy. It wasn’t… my childhood experience of this was to see a man that had full care put in the hands of the state. He was lonely, depressed and he invariably felt such a burden on his own family he committed suicide. I have never truly forgiven the people that did this, and I am sure this story is not mine alone.

I am fascinated by the history of mental asylums, from the grizzly reality of the killer ice-pick lobotomy to the new age drugs. From the people shoved into workhouses, stored in rich family members attics to the average joe that used it as an artistic outlet. I want to understand my disorder because to me it forms an incredibly large part of my life. I am NOT the disorder of depression, but I carry it with me. Lately it seems that more awareness is being brought out about this, I am grateful for those attempts, I think the stigma of being “mental” is not always as funny as I might joke about it to be.

It hurts when people make fly comments like “oh off our meds are we?” Or “maybe those drugs aren’t working”… Drugs are not the only answer to combatting a disorder. They can aid it, they can give you the confidence to feel ready to tackle it but when it all comes down to the base reality two things can help me. Family and Friends, and you as your own person. I’ve been up and down with suicidal thoughts since I was a child and it’s horrid. You hide the reality from people because you don’t want them to worry, or you think they will run for the hills. I guess the harder part is that you fear rejection so greatly you find a way to lie about who you are, and invariably eventually it eats you from inside to out. I am not always “okay” I am quite often anything but, however it’s often easier to say you are.

“Cheer up it’s not that bad.” Is possibly the most annoying, ridiculous thing you can say to me. I KNOW it’s not that bad, trust me. I know there’s a third world out there, I know cancer sufferers, terminal patients and people in far shittier places are out there but my brain has decided it is that bad. I can’t just flip a magical switch and be happy, I don’t want drugs that make me into a dribbling mess or give me a fake smile. I want my emotions to be mine, I want to feel and love, smile and cry. However, the utter flipside to this is the stab in the heart, when you are having a bad time or utterly manic you can’t even claim you are your own person, like a whirlwind you’re brain decides to sweep you around on an adventure and you’re not always a willing participant. I never paid for the ticket that made me a complete cow and I never paid entry to the one that makes me think driving a car into a building is a good idea, another person/entity brought it for me and surprised me with it.

As I write this I am once again reminded of how lucky I was to have had the mom I did, even now I am getting that choking feeling because I miss her so much. My mom was a rock, a legend, a support in everything I did. Loosing my mom was the scariest thing that happened in my life. I didn’t see her everyday when I moved away from home, I rang as often as I could and we talked so much. I lost not just a mom but a best friend. It’s been over four years now, and I still feel like the world was robbed somehow. I love my mom, I wish I could tell her it today still. I guess I can but you know what I mean I am sure. My mom was amazingly understanding and patient, it must be awful as a parent to have a child that goes through that and feel helpless. I would like to say to parents that are feeling that, you are not helpless, just listening and letting your child know that you are there is more support than so many might imagine. Closing doors on people is what makes it harder, so if you’re worried that just saying I love you and you know where I am isn’t enough, it’s probably doing more than you could imagine.

Wow lengthy post I know. However I hope that if even one person stumbled across this and felt less like they were alone with what they go through I think it’s a worthy blog.

And thank you for taking the time to read this.

Gearsgirl.

 

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